A Better Connection With self
Somethings you have to go through and experience for yourself in order to really understand the message and the lesson behind the drama, chaos or confusion. Last night for whatever reason I began reflecting over portions of my life. Realizing where I am today versus where I was yesteryear which doesn’t seem that long ago. I began to smile at the growth I feel like I have experienced. I love being self-reflexive. Case and point. There was a time in my life where almost initially upon meeting someone my mind would start working in overdrive. In my head I’d have sized the guy up, determined if he was marriage material or what things I could change about him. I’m sure that somewhere in all that my external behaviors were reflecting what my internals were thinking, of which I’m sure wasn’t becoming or drawing a guy closer to me but rather scaring them off. I’m learning to pay attention to the in-actions as much as the actions and words of guys and really people in general. I’ve learned to practice listening more and talking less because inevitably in listening you’ll discover exactly what the other person is all about. What makes them tick. What they are looking for and where they are in this stage of their lives. I don’t know if its growth I’m experiencing or just a calm quieted place in my spirit. I’ve discovered that I’m less affected by what others do or don’t do. I refuse to be stressed or allow anyone to take me outside of who I am ( up to and including my “beloved” Ex-husband).. who as of late has a hankering for trying to incite foolishness and getting me “worked up”, but I don’t play along. I recognize it for what it is and kindly dismiss myself from the conversation. This chicka will NOT BE STRESSED!
Fast forward to Wayne and I for example: We don’t talk everyday or every other day at times. My old self would be completely worked up, pissed and full of drama over this. The person I am today doesn’t take it personal. I’m busy too and I purposely don’t make time to reach out to him either. I took heed when he started explaining the things that led up to his last few relationships ending. I listened when he said he likes his space and doesn’t need to talk everyday. No worries… I got you on that note so I don’t put alot of stock and energy into making him feel wanted or needed or thought of. In my mind I interpreted his comment as he didn’t need all that so I give him what he asked for… unbeknownst to him.
If he says something he’s going to do but doesn’t, for whatever reason, I don’t get worked up. Whats the point? People are going to do what they want to do and nothing in this case I can do about that. I recognize that so I don’t sweat the small things.
Moral to the story. I’m not trying to paint a whack, bad image or picture of Wayne. He’s simply a conduit that is allowing me to see the growth I’ve encountered. I have no intentions to set out to change him. He, having never been married and essentially all about self for 40+ years… I feel its pointless to go there. I’m grateful for my positive outlook, peace in my home and spirit, self sufficiency and better understanding of who I am and what I need. I feel like I’d like companionship but I’m not willing to sacrifice or give up my freedom to get it. Marriage? It’s the farthest thing from my mind. I believe in it and will get there at some point, but for now… I’m doing me. #goodmombadwife