parenting

After the love is GONE

While sad but true, crazy yet realistic there are things that happen during the throes or separation or after divorce that are key indicators that there may be some feeling still there.  The desire to hurt the other person mislabeled as “getting back” at them or just simply put control.  I’ve always said he/she with no control over a situation easily becomes Out of CONTROL.

I had to learn early on in my youthful 20’s that “acting out” doesn’t bring closure nor desired results.  In a recent sit down with some of girlfriends.  Some going through divorce, others finalized in divorce and a few others who aren’t married but have children with an ex-mate.  The topic came up about kids and the ex.   A few women spoke out about the laundry list of Cans and Cant’s that they have imposed upon their exes.  The lists were quite lengthy and while I understand where the women were coming from because I’ve been there done that … the fact remains that once the child(ren) leave your home all bets are off and the situation is out of your control.   After the demise of the relationship between my first son and his dad I tried pulling rank and reading him the riot act on the “rules” which always led to an argument.  Eventually, as he saw I wouldn’t let up he would agree but that was only to shut me up and although I grew to realize that in some sinister way that was good enough.  #craziness.  Some my “rules” were..

  1. no smoking around the child
  2. no swearing around the child
  3. don’t bring our son around your shady friends
  4. don’t drop him off with people that I don’t know or haven’t met
  5. feed him every 3 hours
  6. don’t play crazy loud music around him ( now I felt justified because I grew up Pentecostal and we didn’t listen to “secular” music and I didn’t want my child listening to that either).  

At the end of the day.. none of those “RULES”  mattered because he was going to do whatever he wanted to do anyway and further being an uber “macho” guy.. he was determined to not be told what to do by a woman.  So.. all of that was for naught but in my mind I was justified and it made good sense.  Similarly I had a mini-version of a list for my ex-husband as it related to our sons and women he would involve himself with.

  1. don’t take them around a bunch of women you may be running the streets with
  2. Don’t bad mouth me around the boys and I won’t either
  3. DO NOT let any woman lay hands on our kids .. or she will be dealt with
  4. if the kids tell me any woman is mistreating them..  I’ve got something for her and you!

Most of the list fell on deaf ears but at least he(my ex-husband) knew…  I was serious and if I caught wind of any violations I’d scale back visitations or exercise whatever legal recourse I had.

After counseling/therapy and self examination I realized that all of my fatal attempts to control the situation came from a place of me being unhappy and still having an ounce or two of care and feelings for the other person.  After the love is gone.. we often times try to fix what’s broken and try to heal ourselves by hurting others… mainly HIM or HER.  Well in reality it doesn’t work and it only escalates the situation and creates wedges and bad energy.  Not only in relationships gone bad but life in general.. we can only control the things we have control over and other people, intangibles and things out of our reach are not included.  Trying to control what you have no control over will eventually wear you out and down.  The moral to the story is FREE YOURSELF.  Let it go!  As separated people we are not obligated to get sign off and permission from one another on the next person we date or marry and who will ultimately be around the children.  Try as you may… you’re vote doesn’t matter.  What will help is if you reflect back to the good you saw in the other person and hope that  “GOOD” will take precedence when it comes to making decisions about the kids no matter which parent they are with and whom each parent surrounds themselves with.   @goodmombadwife

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