Divorce Uncategorized

Emotional/Relational QuickSand

2014-12-22_12.45.21

Ever had the feeling you were stuck in the mudd about something?  Just not making progress or moving forward?

A friend guy and I were talking about a lady friend of his who has been physically separated from her spouse for over 3 years.   When he started probing and asking why she/they haven’t gotten divorced yet she responsed as most women in particular do..  “I don’t have the money”.   This phrase is a thorn in my side.  Although I’m empathetic to that and not a rich chick myself  I’m just not one for excuses.. and this one as the story continues is exactly an excuse.   You see I learned long ago the funny thing about money.  You’re NEVER going to have enough.. if that’s your thing.  How many people do you know say.. I’m not going to have kids until I make XYZ amount of money.  I’m not going to buy a car until I get this much saved ( and they never save it), or when I start making this much money I’ll buy a house, go on vacation etc.  Well the thing is.. you have to start where you are.  So you may not go to BoraBora on your 1st vacation, or buy a $600k McMansion right out the gate, but if you work within your means..  you can achieve all those things.

Now back to Sunshine and this money thing.  The more my guy friend talked, the more the real root and heart of the matter began to come out.  Granted money may be A factor but its not the only factor that’s stopping her progress.  Her spouse has moved on and out.  Living with another chic and has 2 kids by this woman.   Why he hasn’t initiated the divorce is beyond me, OR maybe he did and she’s just refusing to sign.  You know there are 2 sides to every story.  From what I can tell from the situation its that she is stuck.  Holding out on hope that he’ll come back.  Hoping that whatever was wrong can be fixed or the mentality of I’ll punish you from afar and stifle your happiness by holding out on Divorce.  She’s clearly not being rational or seeing the picture with clear eyes and understanding.  He’s moved on, and she’s still stuck and can’t move on or won’t allow herself permission to move on.    Often times we feel that if we initiate the divorce it makes us look like the bad guy.  Then there are those who feel they can “punish” the other person by having a “noose” or “hold” on them by not releasing them.  This seems to be the case for her.  The reality is…  she’s got the noose around her own neck and she’s holding herself in bondage for all these years.    She’s missing out on future potential husbands by being stuck.

My Exes wife is kinda similar.  Although they’ve been divorced now for some 20 odd years, she’s still in the same apartment (literally), with the same address, in the same town and she hasn’t dated, remarried or progressed.  Now that’s not to say that not dating, or remarrying is an issue.  Just knowing her .. she too appears to be STUCK.  He(my Ex) remarried, had 2 more kids with me and now re-divorced.  Is it that guys/men can move on faster with their lives and women morn or pine over the loss longer… and almost to a fault?  I’m thankful that through prayer and counseling I’m in a better head space, which in turn allows me to show up as a better version of me for the next guy.  I truly feel I’m at my best today.   I’m fulfilled, content and hope that I radiate happiness and not sadness or loss.  My advice:  Give yourself ( male or female) permission to let it go.  Morn the loss, have a funeral and get on with living… I promise you, your partner or rather EX-Partner is!    Sidenote:  for those who truly feel stuck due to finances…  try Legal Aide.  That’s what its for and really most of the forms you can find online and fill out yourself.  Filing fees and Sheriff fees for legally serving the other party aren’t avoidable but I think you can file as a pauper and get some of that remedied for you.  Depends on the state and country.. just do some research.  #goodmombadwife.

Leave a Reply