Divorce

The “L”  word

lword

 

 

The use of the L word is something that I take very seriously.  It’s a verb and not a noun.  It requires actions, feelings, emotions and more than words can say, but coupled with words … it has the makings of something AMAZING!  What is the L-word?  LOVE!

For the majority of my youth and on into my adult life I didn’t believe in Love.  By my definition( which may not coincide with Websters) I never felt love or loved.  So if it were happening to me I couldn’t relate.  I recall  as a child I started ‘trying out ‘ the word but it didn’t stick.  We weren’t the  “I LOVE YOU” out loud  or silently type of family.  For me love was a word never to be muttered out of my mouth.  I’d LIKE you a whole lot, but never love.  This concept drove my uncle crazy because as I got college aged he’d say I love you kid… at the end of our phone conversations and I’d reply.  I like you too. 🙂  He couldn’t stand it, but its all I had to give.  It was the BEST I had (sadly).

The turning point for me was having my oldest 18 y/o son and each son subsequent.  I love those guys til it hurts.  It was at that point at age 23 that I FINALLY got a hint of what Love was.  He loved me and I loved him.  I poured my everything into my child.  So that was my intro to love.   Fast forward 5 years later I met my now Ex.  He too taught me a lil something about love.  He was soo into me.  He made me feel like I mattered.  I felt safe and that my heart was taken care of.  I was on deck for this love-venture.  Who knew 5 years later the bottom would fall out and the love was gone.  I then started reflecting and re-evaluating  this thing  called love.

Is it an emotion?

 A feeling?

 A choice one makes or does it just mysteriously/magically happen and you’re just there before you know it?

Something people just say?

Does it happen for some sooner –vs- later?

After my marriage crumbled I began to question this whole “idea”.  I no longer gave myself permission to love or be loved.  I wanted no parts of it.  I questioned if Love was what I felt all those years?  If I had love why did or were these things happening?  They say love hurts … but dang!

Lessons Learned:

After prayer, crying, losing my mind(or so it felt), and therapy, today I am a paid subscriber to the notion of LOVE.  I still don’t understand how some claim it sooner than others when involved, but I’m thinking it’s a matter of how open ones heart is to the emotion.   Maybe how intune they are to their emotions.  I’m still not the 1st to jump on the LOVE you boat, but I feel like my actions speak louder than my words and when I do finally utter the words  HE will totally know it, feel it and believe it because I’ll have demonstrated it along the way.    So for those men and women like myself..  lets give ourselves permission to Love and be LOVED.     I end with 2 quotes from @paulaWhite

“You can’t move into the future God has for you by holding on to the past.”  #letitgo

“whatever the enemy stole is coming back much greater”  – PaulaWhite   #goodmombadwife

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