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I received an inbox message from one of my followers from over seas that is going through a divorce at this time.   In short the message was about her dealing with a difficult out for the jugular soon to be Ex-husband who is out for blood.  She’s losing everything including  her  ability to manage the situation.    I wanted to publicly address the email.

I wrote the other day about DivorceSux, particularly when there are children, homes, money and “stuff” involved.  The only people I know who have had “clean/smooth” divorces are people who had nothing to lose or gain.  With that being said reflecting back over my divorce(s) … as I technically/legally divorced the same person twice ( one wasn’t my choice #legalLoopHole).    I’ve learned the following

Hurt People Hurt People.  :  Depending on whose idea it was to get the divorce the degree of hurt, animosity and vengeful actions vary.   Here’s the deal.  In my case I did the “SERVING” so I had a chance to desensitize my feelings and emotions over a span of time.   By the time I had mustered up the nerve and was “ALL IN” with proceeding forward with divorce my feelings were gone ( well 95% gone).. you still have those “what if the situation was changed or he/she did better or fought for me” straggler feelings that would creep in from time to time and confuse things.    Given that I was the initiator I was prepared, HE on the other hand was “blindsided” to a degree, but I don’t even know why because he should’ve seen the cookie crumbling too.  After all, he was ½ of the equation.   He seemingly was hurt and started acting out and doing evil nuisance type things to hurt me.  He couldn’t use his words so he made it for it with silence and actions.

You are STRONGER THAN YOU THINK:  Again, everyone’s situation is different.   I felt that I was functioning as a single parent while married because he was always  away working.  We basically lived in separate states and households most of the marriage.  So for me divorce and running life solo wasn’t unfamiliar, even if it was… I’d just adjust.  Before I was married I was a single mother.  When I look back at that time in my life today… by all accounts I should’ve been STRESSED.  I was fairly young but mature at 23 years old.   My sons father wasn’t interested in helping me with raising our child.  So my scenario was this.  23 y/o single mother, I had a good job making $38k at the time which was pretty HUGE for a 23 y/o in 1996.  That same year I  landed my 1st job out of college while 6 months pregnant, bought a brand new car a week before I delivered and was building my 1st of many new homes AND paying a hefty daycare bill all on my own.  No child support, food stamps, gov’t assistance etc.    Today I ask myself.. HOW IN THE HECK DID I MANAGE?, but during that time.. you just do what you have to do to get it done.  All I knew and still know is that failure is not an option.   Moral to the story: even though today in the midst of the storm you may feel overwhelmed, defeated and like giving up.  DON’T.  You’re bigger and better than that.  The other person.. husband/wife wants to see you crack.  They want to break down your character and every moral fiber they can.   That’s just the DEVIL … doing what he does.

You’ve got to be willing or just okay with Losing it all:    Just like myself… I have friends and family who have also suffered financial devastation as a part of divorce.  The key is to get ahead of it.  I’ve said it many times.  I lost a few homes, and cars.  This was a BIG character self check for me.  I realized that there were times I too judged people without knowing the details about having bad/challenged credit, but once I was in that boat I realized that bad things happen to good people and vice versa.  THE GOOD NEWS:   I bounced back and recovered and so will/can you!  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  You’ll have to make adjustments along the way..  Changing schools for the kids ( they’ll adjust… its all in how you present it).  Living in a smaller house ( things could be worse.. as in homelessness), intelligence ( you have sound mind and education… this is something no one or thing can take from you), which means you have the ability to earn and rebuild.  At one point in my life I worked 2 full time jobs which almost felt like I was working 24hrs a day, but really it was more like 16 but I only had about 3 hours of sleep in between gigs.

Lastly..  divorce doesn’t define you.  You have the ability to recreate your story.  Don’t let what he/she is doing write the script for the next chapters of your story.  #goodmombadwife

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